As I’ve been attempting to construct the framework of this blog, I’ve wondered what voice I would have. What information I would filter out and what I would hide. Then, reality slapped me in the face. Through a series of unimportant events (my daughter being a 20 month old night-waker sharing the room with us, and a trip to the dentist) I laid down to bed one evening and did not fall asleep. Each night got progressively worse and I had more anxiety about the simple act of falling asleep. My mind would wander and I would wonder, what is it that I think about that allows me to just simply slip into sleep? I couldn’t find that place, or that breath, or that quietness of mind. I know this sounds uneventful, and it was. I think my mind was so tired it simply forgot how to sleep. My insomnia continued to wrap its way around my body and mind and left me in a fog. I kinda felt like Linus, except instead of a dirt storm following me, it was a blurring, mind-numbing cloud. I could elaborate, but I’ll finish by saying that without the help and compassion of the people around me, I would probably be still clinging to my knees in the bathtub while my daughter chewed on markers while standing on the counter doing jumping jacks. This event, however has given me more clarity on how to approach this blog. Two days ago, when I wanted to write this post, I began with a few drawings. The drawings were open and personal. As I finished, my Emily Dickinson side preferred to tuck them right back into my journal. So, imagine the irony as I was scanning the images into the computer, my heart palpitating, what would appear on the TED talk lineup I was listening to other then Brené Brown’s “Power of Vulnerability”. If you haven’t watched this, I highly recommend it.
So, in my attempt to be more vulnerable. Here are my drawings. They aren’t the most controversial, but they are very, very personal.
Regarding feeling weighed down. Fatigue and anxiety feed each other, and what seems manageable and even wonderful, becomes heavy.
This drawing makes me the most emotional, even though it is a happy drawing. One way we resolved my insomnia was by me stopping to care for my daughter at night as well as finish nursing. We were both ready to finish, and I had been slowly weaning her for months, but it is just another step in the separation process between mother and child.
And for those of you who are interested, my daughter, husband, and I have finally both had multiple nights of deep, continuous sleep.